time_and_water

Pop psychology likes to talk about ADHD as a "dopamine deficit." This is an oversimplification of the current scientific consensus, that ADHD is caused by problems with the reward pathway that prevent enough dopamine from hitting certain receptors. And there's even plenty to question about that consensus: see this article by Jesse Meadows, who has significantly influenced the way I think about my ADHD even if I don't agree with 100% of what they say.

I sometimes see ADHDers talking about how their brains don't reward them for accomplishing things, or really for doing anything. And I find myself wondering, "Are you sure that's just ADHD? Because it sounds like depression." Of course, just because I don't experience something doesn't mean it's not an ADHD thing, and diagnostic categories are fuzzy. If someone almost never feels a rush of satisfaction after accomplishing something, that could be a distinct Thing that sits on the boundary between ADHD and depression. I do not have that thing. Every time I write a biography for one of my ancestors on WikiTree, or learn to navigate and customize a new Linux desktop environment, or dust a shelf, I am happy and proud and eager to accomplish more.

If there's an issue with my reward pathway, I think it's before or during the task, not after I finish. My brain does not reward me for *starting* tasks. The tasks I find it relatively easy to start and focus on have a common characteristic: they involve repeating a short process over and over, so I don't have to think of them in stages, and each step produces practical rewards. If I dust one shelf, I have one dust-free shelf! That was satisfying! Let's keep going! If I'm given a large stack of documents to put into their proper places in a filing cabinet, it's a little boring, but I can handle boring as long as I can see the pile shrinking and know that more and more documents are in the right place. I can't ever "finish" learning my family history, but that's okay, because every day I learn a little more and share a little more of my knowledge.

Now let's say I want to make muffins. I start out with zero muffins. I check to make sure I have all the ingredients. I still have zero muffins. I get out the measuring cups. Zero muffins. I measure the flour. Zero muffins. I add sugar and salt and spices. Zero muffins. I turn on the oven because I forgot to do it earlier. Zero muffins. I grease the muffin tins because I also forgot to do that earlier. Zero muffins. I start on the wet ingredients. Zero muffins. And so on and so on for about an hour. Even when I take the muffins out of the oven, they're too hot to eat, so for practical purposes I still have zero muffins. Then at some point, without any further direct input from me, I have twelve muffins.

It's hard enough when the process itself is mostly pleasant and I get a reward the same day. If the process is long and frustrating and often illogical, and I definitely won't get the reward for a few weeks and there's an excellent chance I won't get it at all... let's just say this is one reason I've been unemployed for almost two years.